Marmite.

 

A while back I wrote a concerned letter to Chuck "The Truck" Grassley, and it went something like this:

"Dear Senator Grassley,

Over the years the citizens of Iowa and I have had the privilege of having you as our senator. Through these years we have become well aware of your views on a variety of issues ranging from health care to religion. However, there has been one issue that has constantly evaded the public eye. That issue is Marmite. Marmite, as you probably know, is a by-product of beer brewing. It is a sticky brown paste that has a very powerful flavor that is both sweet and savory. With its distinct flavor it has become a favorite to many people throughout the world.

                However, here is where the problem comes in. In the United States (Iowa specifically) we have all but ignored the importance of this underrated necessity of life. As of now, neither budget proposed by Republicans or Democrats (as well as any state budget) has made any proposition to increase spending on Marmite, or Marmite technology. This is an issue that I believe cannot be ignored. With a tremendous budget deficit, three foreign wars, and a damaged economy the last thing we need is a Marmite shortage. Unfortunately, I believe this is exactly what will happen.

                I first became aware of this issue when I looked through the menu of my local public high school. I was very disappointed to see that not one of the meals on the menu included Marmite in any of its various forms. My disappointment quickly grew to fear when I found that not even my local grocery stores supplied Marmite on their shelves. Unfortunately, this is not the end of it. I decided to investigate further by randomly asking the citizens of my town. My fear instantly turned to full blown panic when I realized that most citizens of Iowa had no clue as to what Marmite was.

                This experience has led me to believe that Marmite is the number one issue facing Americans today. In fact, I have reason to believe that all current problems are simply side effects of a low amount of Marmite and Marmite awareness. Every problem facing us today, ranging from crime, poverty, the breaking down of family values, and even terrorism, are all undoubtedly caused by a decrease in the consumption of Marmite. Although I am not an expert of the adverse effects of Marmite shortages, I believe that casualties in Iowa alone will number in the hundreds of thousands.

                With this overbearing and immense problem facing America I knew there was only one person I could turn to, and that was you Senator Chuck Grassley. Well, actually, I did email David Loebsack, Thomas Latham, Steve King, Leonard Boswell, Bruce Braley, Thomas Harkin, and the president first. Also, I did email other prominent figures such as the Dalai lama, the Pope, Queen Elizabeth II, Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino, Sarah Palin, every member of the band “Kiss”, and even Chuck Norris (In retrospect, I’m not exactly sure why I emailed half of these people, but I regret nothing.). Finally, I also emailed NAMA (National Association for Marmite Awareness) and pleaded that they raise their Marmite alert level from a code orange to a code red. However, after every one of them turned me down I knew that you are the only one who can help. Please Senator Grassley, I know this is a large burden to put onto one person, but I know that you can, and will, help. Thank you so much for your time, and god bless.

Sincerely,

Brandon"

Although he didn't do much to help ease my concern, I still trust him fully to get the job done. He also sent a letter to me (I'll never find it), which was obviously not written by him. He only answered my concerns in one statement, which went:

"I know you made the letter in jest, but do not hesitate to let me know of any real concerns you may have."

I almost feel he doesn't take me seriously.